In order to tell a story about change and recovery, it seems imperative to describe where I’m starting from. Taking stock of assets and liabilities – just not the financial kind.
The Good.
I’ve been working for the past year or so to put myself in the best possible place to take on this journey. These steps include
- a permanent relocation to the place I consider home after 20 years of constantly moving,
- buying a house, re-structuring my work life including self-employment, and
- building relationships with neighbors, new friends and new communities.
Overall – I wanted a strong sense of permanence -something worth fighting for.
Also on the positive side, I have no legal issues, I’m not physically addicted to alcohol (i.e., I don’t have serious physical withdrawal symptoms). I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world with instant access to hiking, the outdoors, places to meditate, etc. I have two absolutely incredible and successful children to be proud of. I have a fantastic source of motivation to succeed in this dream of building my own business.
The Bad.
Financially, I’m quite behind, and I only have a month or two left of runway to get things back on track. I have serious struggles with focus and memory loss. I have real issues staying on path and keeping a forward momentum going. Of course that’s absolutely critical to succeeding in a new business.
The urge to escape or experience some brief pleasure by drinking is really compelling. For that first hour – the relief, the relaxation, the melting away of all that constant intensity that I approach everything with is really hard to walk away from.
The Ugly.
I still have treatment-resistant depression, and I don’t know how I’m going to overcome it.
I’ve definitely done damage to relationships and my career in my alcohol-fueled moments. I have to admit – I don’t feel any urge to make repairs. I actually feel that if superficial damage can so easily burn bridges, those bridges weren’t built on strong foundations to begin with.
Summary
Even considering my worst moments – the sacrifices, strengths, gifts, achievements still outweigh the moments when I faltered. In truth, alcohol has hurt me far more than anyone else. At least it’s a decent place to start from.
“Good actions give strength to ourselves and inspire good actions in others.” — Plato
