Early Religion
From the age of 3 to about 10 yrs old, I was constantly exposed to people speaking in tongues, standing in the path of tornados, praising “God’s Path” but not following their own doctrines, and heaping a weird sort of hatred based in gossip on non-followers that even a 3 year old could tell were truly good people. By the time I was 10, I was so afraid of God & the Devil that I had recurring nightmares. But I also knew there was an incredible lack of logic and consistency in all of it. While I didn’t want to believe any of it (my defense mechanism), it was so indoctrinated that I wasn’t really able to mentally or spiritually escape. I spent a lot of time thinking, debating, and studying the problem – from philosophy and religious studies in college – to finally finding a satisfactory understanding in science. From my very first biology course- I was hooked. It was logical and consistent. The more science coursework I took, the more I appreciated how science physically explains our world. For me, it was reassuring, comforting, and I happily embraced atheism for many years.
Re-Discovering Spirituality
When Lawrence died, feeling him beside me, and without question, watching out for me and the girls was so prescient, it’s as though we were there physically in the room. Sometimes I’d have a very real dream also, but mostly it was just that calm, gentle, and forgiving presence. I knew he wanted me to know it wasn’t my fault. I’m afraid I didn’t actually accept that very well, especially after moving to Colorado and just not having a healthy space to finish healing. In any case, his obvious presence, and the grace of nature all around me on my little farm made me realize that atheism doesn’t explain spirit. And certainly spirit exists.
A few years later, in January 2017 actually, I happened upon “The Untethered Soul” by Michael Singer. I think Deepak Chopra’s quote on the cover of the book, “Read this book carefully, and you will get more than a glimpse of eternity,” describes it as well as can be done. On completing the book, I decided to try the meditation techniques described. I finally settled to try a body scan meditation with deep breathing techniques that were meant for deep practitioners. I memorized the techniques one by one until I was confident I could perform them all and maintain my focus on the breath while moving through the body scan meditation, while listening to the sound of water falling to avoid distractions. Within less than 30 minutes, I started feeling incredibly soothed, and light. I found myself falling through stars with light all around me, and I slipped into another plane which I saw as infinite. I was afraid to continue (mainly because I had an 8 yr old sleeping upstairs), and pulled myself out within a few seconds. The experience though. left me with an absolute, experiential certainty of everything Mickey wrote about, and a determination to continue exploring. I didn’t meditate to that depth again though for many years – not until my youngest moved out of the house.
The Contemplative State of Post-Family Life
Traditional Hindu culture describes different stages of life that fit even American culture very well. From https://hinduamerican.org,
"Vanaprashta is the third stage. It begins after individuals fulfill their obligations to their families. In ancient times, once reaching this stage people would start detaching themselves from family life and the pursuit of material ends by moving to the forest time to devote more of their time to spiritual practice, living among other seekers of solace, knowledge, peace, and freedom. Most people have stopped retiring to the forest, instead choosing to spend more time giving back to their communities, as they deepen their spiritual practice."
This fits the state of mind in which I currently find myself extremely well. The next stage is Sannyasa, or renunciation. I haven’t gotten to that level of self-sacrifice yet – but I do hope I will someday. What is unarguable to me is that material possessions and the material life aren’t key to happiness. Meaning and purpose, I think are really what matter. I didn’t change my life to fit the definition. My beliefs changed over time, and then I happened upon the definition that fits my perception of my purpose here and now.
Purpose of This Blog/Website
I have been thinking, pondering, meditating, reading and exploring for many years on the many topics covered in this blog. My hope is that somehow I can provide:
- validation for those who have or are experiencing similar struggles and/or trauma
- a place to find comfort and occasional humor for anyone
- room for me to continue to explore spirituality and write about it
- a way to serve in social advocacy for marginalized human beings
- trustworthy, undiluted and yet readable information on both scientific topics and alternative medicine
- and last, eventually, a place for others to document and publish their own biographies
- because everyone has a story to tell, and we’re all important.
