Spinning in Circles
I’ve spent a lot of time spinning in circles over the past few months.
I’d think I need to sell the house, then I’d think it’d be shame to, since I have such a low interest rate. Besides, I’ve put so much work into it, I should keep it – and the girls are here, so I should stick it out. Yet the long winters drive me into deep depressions, and the snow (mentally) traps me in the house many days.
I’d feel like I should deliver for Uber to bring in money to buy stuff for Bones, and fund Christmas, etc. But then I’d absolutely despise it because of cheap consumer expectations, and knowing that my time was being taken advantage of. I’d come home with horrible backaches from driving all day, and a sense of defeat from being used.
I’ve known for the longest time that I simply cannot continue to do program management (and the 8 hours of people contact and meetings and masking that requires everyday). Yet, I should have a job, and I’ve certainly needed the money. So I’d agree to interview for a position that I know would make me miserable and completely drop any other thought of progress toward employment that would make me happy. All of my support systems – neighbors, friends, family – would act like I’m letting the world or myself down if I don’t continue in pharma even though it makes me miserable. So I’d invest in interviewing and resume building, and I’d get more depressed every day as I waited to hear the results of the hiring process. Then the news would come that they’d selected another candidate, and instead of being disappointed, a huge weight would lift off my shoulders. I’d suddenly get up off the couch again and start planning a more positive path forward. I went through this cycle at least 5 times between October and early February before I realized what I was doing to myself, and my therapist and I agreed I’ve been repeating a futile cycle.
Should Thinking as a Pattern
It was the night before that last discussion with my therapist about the repeating cycle of job hunting failure that I realized what I was doing to myself – and that the basis of all of it was, “should.” I was prioritizing what I thought I “should” do over what was right for me, and what I needed to do.
It was a major break-through. When I started therapy, I told my therapist that my main goal was to examine habits and thinking patterns to identify the mistakes I seem to keep making, and figure out how to learn from the past. What I suddenly realized is that I’d identified a big huge one – and it was the pattern of should thinking. While it took six months of negative repeat cycles to get here, I’m thrilled to finally have realized how present and real it is for me. (So was my therapist – I strongly suspect because she probably got tired of hearing the same story!)
I was also able to critically think about what reinforces my should thinking, and takes it over the top. When you see Autism with the clinical description of overly rigid and inflexible thinking, it makes a lot of sense. Add to that my indoctrination during my early years in the religious cult I was raised in (where you were going to hell if you did ANYTHING wrong), and it’s easy to see how should became programmed in my head almost as if it were life and death.
Autism & Should Thinking
I don’t know if the percentage of the high-functioning Autistic population that suffers from should thinking has ever been quantified. I know that overly rigid and inflexible thinking is a hallmark of many ND individuals. I hope that my post lays out my experience and realization out clearly enough to help anyone else who’s reading to be able to examine if they’re overly burdened by should thinking.
In the end – our life is ultimately our responsibility to make the most of. We’re given this time, and others’ expectations of how we should do things, or what makes our life most meaningful doesn’t belong in the decision-making process – only we can really know what’s most meaningful to us. That doesn’t mean we don’t consider our actions on others, but if there’s no real harm – should should fall to the wayside.
