Taking Stock Much Later

The Recovery Journey

Bullying

I started drinking in 2013 because of emotional and physical pain. It wasn’t even my son’s suicide. I’d already survived that. I’d just had a hysterectomy and I was afraid of taking pain killers. The biggest issue though was being bullied every single day at work by one woman at CSU. That woman and my PI at the time have since been reprimanded by the university after I finally approached CSU HR, Legal and the department head, with backup from coworkers. That didn’t happen until early 2023 though, because I didn’t have the courage to face them down when it was happening between 2013-2015.

Isolation

In addition, I was simply so poor, without support and so isolated that I had no other outlet. I refused to date for Annie’s (now Bones) sake. True friends and family were states away, I couldn’t afford any type of recreation, and I forced myself into a pretend state of “perfect motherhood” of playing barbies and cleaning up after Annie that I imagined would make up for where I failed with LT. But in reality I just made myself so miserable that I finally drank (after a lifetime of steering clear of all substances – my dad was alcoholic) because it was the only escape I could find from wanting to die every single day. Alcohol saved my life at the time. And I’m far from the first person with Aspergers to believe and describe similar experiences with alcohol.

Quitting

Alcohol took a LOOOONNNNGGG time to fight. I was a high-functioning alcoholic, working my way up to director level in Biotech. I tried to stop drinking half-heartedly for years, and then once we moved out here to Colorado, with dedicated focus. I managed to get drinking down to once every 2-3 days, then once every 4-5 days, then half the alcohol once a week, once every 7-10 days and so on over time with brief major lapses. Once Bones moved out, it got even easier not to drink. I realized I’d been living in constant crushing dread of doing something that would cause Bones to die. And that dread kept getting worse the closer they got to 18. After Bones moved in with her older sister, the drinking became even more infrequent, but my tolerance disappeared as well, so that when I would drink (after 2-3 weeks, even half of what I used to), it was WAY too much. When I did drink, it was pretty awful – I’d get on social media and blab about all the things that were bothering me. Once I finally confirmed the Asperger’s diagnosis though, I drank twice, 3-4 weeks apart, and twice 2 weeks apart about 5 weeks later. I’ve finally reached the point where I’m fairly certain I’ll never abuse alcohol again. Part of it is no longer needing to drink, and part is that last couple of times, I didn’t even finish the glass before I realized that I was trying to avoid emotions, and put the glass aside and forced myself to face what I was feeling. Many weeks later, post other exercises in dealing with emotions, I can’t imagine drinking to get drunk again. I do intend to work on writing out what I did, since it was so much more effective than the treatment centers I attended.

Why Alcohol in the First Place?

The thing about alcohol (and I suspect all addictions) is that people don’t go out and drink because they want to become an addict or cause problems. They drink because there is a deep aching need or pain that they can’t live with. It will never be okay in my book to use what society calls “tough love” on an addict. I know plenty of professional groups even recommend it, but that’s pure bullshit. That’s protecting you who doesn’t want to be dragged down/washing your hands of it. Claiming anything otherwise is an act of cowardice and running away. At least own it, because mislabeling that abuse and lack of support as “tough love” just further denigrates and confuses the addict that is struggling with their own emotions and sense of self to begin with. That goes for all the addicts in my family – and those who abandon them. It goes for the entire U.S. – and some day I hope I can make a difference on that front. In fact, the NIH has priority funding mechanisms that aim to decrease stigmatization of addiction. I believe those mechanisms should be committed to work on destructive messaging from agencies across the board including CDC, Al-Anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, American Medical and Psychiatric societies and more.

Depression

In terms of overall mental health – in addition to recurring major depression, since menopause I’ve realized that my Seasonal Affective Disorder is a worsening struggle. However, in connecting with other women my age, I know now that it’s par for the course, so now I just need to revisit my strategy for dealing with it. It makes sense because it sent my mom to the hospital every November for years. Hopefully my generation (and a holistic approach) can find better solutions to SAD issues. This past winter was the worst funk I’ve ever experienced yet, and I ended up passing weeks getting NOTHING done. I’d try to pull together the will to accomplish ANYTHING, and fail miserably. I stuck with talk, mindfulness and music therapy though, cleaned house when I could find the energy, and worked on not trying to push feelings down when something surfaced. The fact that I didn’t slip back into regular drinking, and in fact made progress is hard evidence that dealing with feelings (even if you just start by acknowledging them) is critical for dealing with addictions.

Responsibility & Acceptance

I am responsible for letting alcohol become such a detrimental part of mine and Bones’ lives – it just took me a long time to figure out the answers I needed to fully quit. For me – because I’ve always been a deep thinker and I need to know the real truth. Half-explanations or easy fixes wouldn’t do it. I had to heal from what was really eating at me (my inability to fit in everywhere I go and every job I’ve had); understand that I’m not the hopeless cause I thought I was; and work out my feelings around all of it. I’ll never fix the Asperger’s – frankly I don’t want to – but at least now I know enough to realize that being myself never was something I had to or even needed to control. Most of all I realized my personality doesn’t make me less than worthy of being loved, less deserving of finding happiness or of being alive.

Next Steps

In terms of forgiving myself, tackling the scary topics, being more present, and most importantly, finding answers to spiritual and personal value type questions, I feel like I’ve made truly HUGE strides, and it has been a lot of work. Now I’m working on figuring out what I want to do to build back meaning into my life. I know I want to work on solutions for psychiatric/neurological disorders & discrimination; I’m just not sure if I want to work on science or policy. Alcohol may always be a pitfall for me as well, so dealing with the emotional and treatable genetic aspects of depression and autism will also remain a priority for the long run.