Therapeutic Writing to Let Go of Bitterness
My mom will likely not ever see this. I’m trying not to feel bitterness CHECK – I’m writing to discard my bitterness, CHECK – I’ve finally let go of my bitterness (I think). Hopefully we’re all witnessing therapeutic writing in action!
She knows I’m barely hanging on by a thread to keep the flower orders going. She asked how much money it would take to fund Monday’s orders after I asked for a loan – I estimated $250. Then she harrumphed in a way that made it clear she knows I’m going to fail.
Parental Trauma – we all have it
It’s been that way my whole life. 4 years into my Ph.D. program, she suggested I quit when I called crying how hard it was. She literally said, “come home, give this up”; not – “you can do this, I have faith in you”. I had a horse too many? She berated and practically disowned me when I had to spend Thanksgiving in the stables to vet during a strangles outbreak to treat my very sick horse. My mom has the proud ownership of having told my children I loved the horses more than them. Great leadership there.
Internally I’ve always wrestled with the fact that I knew I NEVER had a place to stay with her and my stepdad, while my brother moved back home to live with them for several years to get his shit together (drugs, etc) before he married his now-wife. That would have never been an option for me. Funny enough, this Ph.D. academic/overachiever (that I paid for) was the black sheep of that family WAY before I EVER would even dream of touching alcohol!
Clearly I am too strong, too independent, and WAY too easy fodder for criticism and gossip (when I do what has to be done to make ends meet) to be worth helping. OUCH- that bitterness is creeping back in! I was damned for years “making my children sacrifice” as I followed my career to increase my income and provide for them while moving several times around the country. It doesn’t matter – people have always used my mom to make sure their gossip gets back to me. It’s not her fault. Now I’m criticized for putting my foot down and trying to get an anchor hold on a permanent home.
Mothers, Daughters, Aunts, Grandmas: The True Irony of Female Family Relationships
My mom has always been that way. It took me many years to get over it, but sometimes the bitterness just comes back in waves (like today). I even spent many years, embarrassingly enough – not even speaking to her, despite times that she just wasn’t mentally stable and definitely deserved my help. It’s funny how they say that history repeats itself – and how well Mothers know the phrase, “I hope your daughter never treats you the way you did me!” I say (and have a daughter who can spew equal angst about me in the same light) – be careful how you treat your daughters! However, I’ve witnessed through my mom, aunts, grandma and now my oldest daughter, that we all treat each other much worse than any of us deserve. I believe a lot of that is a result of narratives that men in our lives dictate.
Same old pattern – same old struggle. Here I am doing it ON MY OWN again. Different narrative though…….
I AM STRONG, I AM BEAUTIFUL, I AM INDEPENDENT, and I AM STILL WORTHY. I know better than to let bitterness to derail me.
I’ve succeeded before, I can do it again…..
